‘I can’t sleep.’

I wrote back, ‘Neither can I.’

He answered, ‘Can I call you?’ 

I hesitated. He wrote again: ‘I really want to talk to you.’ My hands shook as I wrote back, ‘Could you come and get me?’ I hesitated again before I pressed send. Then I remembered my manners and wrote, ‘Please?’ 

His answer came back immediately. ‘I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.’

I felt an incompatible combination of panic and relief. I knew I was about to do something I shouldn’t, but the only thing I really wanted right at that moment was to see James. He had driven me back to Mum and Dad’s after the wake, because he’d designated himself the sober driver and hadn’t drunk any of the free-flowing booze. I was the last to be taken home. He asked if I minded. I didn’t, because it gave me a little more time with him. 

He’d driven me to my parent’s house, walked me to the door, taken me in his arms and kissed me. I’d wanted this ever since my eighteenth birthday, when we’d had an embrace after a few glasses of champagne. That was ten years ago. His sister was my best school friend, and she’d been so angry at me after that I never dared pursue anything with him. I wondered if she’d given him a hard time about it too. I told myself that was why he’d never tried anything with me again. Though I’d also wondered if he just wasn’t interested in me, and it had only been about alcohol and nothing more. 

But it had happened again, and now he was coming over to see me. I ran upstairs and pulled on some jeans and a hoodie. I wished I had something more stylish to wear, but it was this or the black crepe dress I’d worn to the funeral. I brushed my hair and moisturised my lips with chap stick. 

I went back to the kitchen, and filled two thermos cups with tea. I hoped he liked tea with milk and no sugar. Surely he would. Then I went outside to wait for him. 

It was a very mild night for the time of year, although there was a chill in the air that let me know it was not proper summer any longer, and autumn would soon be here. I looked up at the stars, surprised as I always was by how many more I could see when I wasn’t in London. 

I heard a car in the distance, and watched the headlights appear at the end of the street. He pulled up in front of the house and stopped the engine. I stepped out of the shadows and tapped on the window. He looked momentarily alarmed, and opened the door for me.

‘Sorry,’ I said, sliding into the passenger seat. ‘Didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘Hi,’ he said, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. James smelled good, and his kiss was soft. I felt a rush of tenderness that was almost overwhelming. Then an image of Robert burst into my mind, and I was hit by a huge wave of guilt. I thought about Robert, asleep in our bed in London. Then I remembered that Robert was indeed asleep in bed in London and not with me, and my guilt was replaced with anger. He could go to hell. I was where I was supposed to be.

James nodded toward the thermos cups and said, ‘Are we going on a picnic?’

‘I was going to ask you in for a cup of tea, but Mum and Dad are such light sleepers. I thought we could go for a walk instead.’

‘Did you have anywhere in mind?’

‘Depends how far you want to drive. We could go to the sea front, but that’s quite far. Or we could go to the park and have a walk in the rose garden.’

‘That’s probably a better idea.’ He started the car engine. ‘I’ve always liked it there.’

‘When I was little I thought it was enchanted.’

‘Oh… I think it’s worked some magic for a lot of people.’

‘Like you?’

‘We’ll see.’ He flashed me a devilish grin. I smiled in return. 

‘Did you ever go there for a snog?’ 

‘Didn’t everybody?’

‘Who did you take there?’

‘Honestly? Penny Worthington.’

‘Seriously? Ha! Penny bloody Worthington. That’s hilarious!’

‘It’s not that funny.’

‘Oh, but it is.’

‘I wonder what happened to her?’

‘The last I heard she became a born again Christian. She got married when she was twenty and has had four or five children. My brother stayed in touch with her.’

We’d already arrived at our destination. As he parked he said, ‘Tell me, who did you come here with? Anyone I know?’’ 

‘Actually, yes… once I came here with Joseph.’

‘You’re joking.’ The car wheel scraped against the gutter, and he tried again. 

‘I’m not. It was his idea.’

‘I’m shocked. He always seemed so... I don’t know, asexual. I mean, he was the most androgynous looking person I’ve ever met.’

‘I know! He asked me for a picnic one evening in June, and I thought, how nice! A picnic. Then he started saying he was cold and snuggling up close to me, so I asked what he was doing, and he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and got really quite angry. Then he started crying and apologising. He’d asked me here to see if anything could happen. He said he felt he should be in love with me, because we were such good friends and he thought I was cute, and he’d been trying to work out why he didn’t feel what he should.’

‘So he tried to jump you to figure out his feelings?’

‘Pretty much. It was actually a pretty horrible day. I mean, when I say he started to cry, it sounds sort of sweet. It wasn’t like that at all.’ I remembered the animalistic howling. ‘In the end I phoned his parents and asked them to come and get him. I had to go to the pay phone. I was really worried about leaving him alone. But I got back and he was still there, sobbing, totally helpless. His mum and dad arrived and took him to hospital.’

‘When was that?’

‘I think we were about twenty.’

‘Jesus Christ. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.’ 

‘I just felt so bad for him. He tried so hard to fit in. And I feel so guilty. I’ve asked myself so many times what I could have said or done to make him feel better.’

‘Never think that. Seriously. He wasn’t well.’

‘But still...’

‘What if it hadn’t been you there with him that day? The outcome might have been much worse. I’m guessing you got everything right.’

I couldn’t say anything. I knew James was being kind, and wanted me to feel OK, but he hadn’t been there that day. There was no way to not wonder what could have gone differently. 

‘I know one thing,’ I said. ‘A cup of tea will make everything better. Always does.’ I handed him one of the cups. We sat in silence, drinking the tea which tasted of thermos.

‘Look at us,’ he said. ‘If anyone could see us now, they’d think we were an old married couple.’

‘Sitting in our car, drinking tea.’

‘How romantic.’

‘Shall we go for this walk?’

‘I think we should.’ We got out of the car, and walked hand-in-hand toward the rose garden. I was surprised how natural it felt, how normal. Narnia-style lamps lit the gravel path. We walked along slowly, saying nothing. 

The rose garden had its magical, mystical aura, just as it had in my childhood. A shingled wall surrounded the garden which you entered through a beautiful wrought iron gate. Unfortunately, it was locked.

‘What a shame!’ he said. ‘I really wanted to go inside. I love this place.’

‘Me, too. Why don’t we climb over the wall?’

He made a quick assessment of the situation. The next thing I knew, he was standing on top of the wall holding out his hand to me. Then we were on the other side. The glow from the lamps that lit the path cast the rose garden in an eerie twilight. I shivered and stood closer to James. 

‘There are roses!’ I exclaimed.

‘Yes, I believe that’s how this park got its name.’

‘But it’s September! I would have thought they’d be finished by now.’

‘Positive effects of global warming, I guess. It’s been a hot old summer.’ 

‘Even in Edinburgh? I thought it was never hot in Edinburgh.’

‘Yes, even in Edinburgh! The sun occasionally shines in Scotland too, you know.’ He caught me round the waist and I squealed and tried to wriggle away. ‘Sorry! I’d forgotten how ticklish you are. And I guess my hands are cold.’ He rubbed his hands together then circled me with his arms. ‘How’s that?’

‘Perfect.’ I pressed myself against him, breathing in his warm, masculine scent, feeling his arms around me. He kissed my hair, then the top of my ear, very softly, as if he was hoping I wouldn’t notice. I turned my face towards him, and for the second time that night, we kissed. At first it was very gentle, but soon became more passionate. 

  I had a strange sense of unreality. Our kissing started to have a terrific urgency. We tumbled to the grass, clawing at each other’s clothes. Soon my shirt was lying somewhere nearby, his jeans were unbuckled. Our naked skin was hot in the cold night air. I briefly thought about consequences, then decided I didn’t care. It felt right. It was right. We both knew what we wanted, and how much we wanted it. 

Suddenly, I felt something warm and wet on my stomach. He was totally still for a second, then rolled away from me with his face in his hands.

‘Oh... Bollocks … bollocks! I… I’m so sorry.’

It took me a moment to understand what had happened, and to know how to react. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ I located my shirt and rummaged in the pockets for some tissues.

‘I really am sorry.’

‘Really, it’s fine.’ I started to clean myself up.

‘It didn’t think...’

‘I know. ‘ I pulled on my shirt. ‘Honestly, it doesn’t matter.’

‘It does matter.’

‘Look,’ I said, throwing the tissues under a nearby rose bush and staring at him directly. ‘I don’t know what you had planned, but…’

‘This wasn’t planned!’

‘I didn’t come prepared for anything. I haven’t got any condoms with me, so unless you have, not much else could have happened.’

‘I’m a gentleman, I would never have...’

‘OK, whatever, let’s just forget this happened.’ I realised how cold it was. My clothes were soggy and my hair had leaves in it. 

We made ourselves respectable and he helped me back over the wall. As we walked back he tried to put his arm around me but it felt weird and forced. I was so disappointed. I’d wanted something to happen for such a long time. The midnight walk through the park, climbing over the fence to the garden full of roses, and just being there with him had seemed so romantic. Then reality crashed in, and I was cold and embarrassed and so was he. This must be my comeuppance for cheating on Robert, I thought to myself. Serves me right. 

‘Is there a reason why you’re walking funny?’ he asked me.

‘No.’

‘Did you hurt yourself when we jumped down from the wall?’

‘No. I’m fine.’ I paused. ‘Well, if you must know, I really need the toilet.’

‘So… go.’

‘What, here? Not bloody likely.’

‘Fine, be uncomfortable. But I need to go. Here’s my suggestion. I go over there behind that tree, you go over there behind that tree, and we never speak about this again.’

‘Fair enough.’ A few moments later I felt a million times better. We met again on the path, looked at each other, and burst out laughing. He held me to his chest and said,‘I don’t know what to do now. I really don’t want to take you home.’

‘We can’t stand here all night. All morning. Whatever. I’m absolutely freezing.’

‘Do you want me to take you home?’

‘Not really. Not at all, actually.’

‘This isn’t the most romantic proposition in the world, but would you like to come with me to my brother’s place and spend the night on an inflatable mattress?’

I had to smile. ‘Sounds like fun.’

‘Great! The car has a heater. I’ll race you.’

We trotted stiffly towards the street, speeding up as we neared his car. We got in, he started the engine and we drove off in the direction of his brother’s house. 

I reminisced that as a teenager I could never decide which of Kate’s brothers I was more in love with, James or Matthew. Whenever I used to come over, it was always Matthew who’d offer me something to drink and ask me how school was. He was a bit older, and usually only around in the university holidays or for the occasional weekend. I’d try to engineer Kate and I hanging out at her place rather than mine or going into town.

Even though Matthew was nicer to me, James was better looking, and more fun. He was always teasing me or tickling me, or stuffing ice cubes down my neck. Once he managed to break my favourite pair of sunglasses. I was so angry, I kicked him hard in the shins and went home to complain to my mother about how much I hated him. The next day I came home from school to find that he’d been to visit, bringing with him a new pair of sunglasses that were almost the same, and which I still owned. He also brought a flower, and a note to say how sorry he was.

I knew from teen magazines that this is what boys did if they liked you. Somehow, knowing that tipped the balance of my affection in his favour. Unfortunately, soon after that he went away on his gap year, then to university in far off St Andrews. 

Then there was that kiss, that had consumed so much of my imagination when I was away at university. I always wondered if he thought about it too, and if it had meant anything to him, even if not as much as it meant to me. I hardly saw him over the next few years, and never alone, so I never had the chance to test the waters.

On the way to Matthew’s house I saw a petrol station and asked if we could stop. ‘I need to buy a toothbrush.’

‘Is that a euphemism for condoms?’

‘It is.’

‘How about I get them?’

‘I’d really appreciate that. And could I also have a toothbrush please? 

I snuggled into the warm seat and wondered what I was doing. Whatever was happening felt bigger than me, but I didn’t know why. Probably everything felt exaggerated because of the grief we were feeling. Emotions were running high. Probably a year from now, it would be a guilty memory of the one time I was unfaithful. Or would it? 

James got into the car and handed me a small bag that contained the toothbrush and condoms. As he drove away he said, ‘That was awkward. The guy behind the counter plays tennis with my brother. He looked at what I was buying, then at me, then at you in the car, and said, “Have fun!” I’m guessing by tomorrow everyone who has ever met us will know what happened.’

‘I’m OK with that.’ It occurred to me that this might be the cloud with the proverbial silver lining. If one person knows a secret, everyone knows a secret. The secret might reach Robert before I did, and he might break up with me, sparing me the task.  

One of the reasons I didn’t want to leave Robert was because I liked his family so much. I loved going to Berlin with him, and staying in the leafy suburb of Kladow. I loved the way his family’s eccentricities were just part of their lives, not worn as a badge of honour as they would be if the family were English. At first the cultural differences threw me for a loop. I had been so embarrassed by his family’s lack of shame and unabashed delight in their gratuitous nudity, but I had become accustomed to it. The last time I’d been there, I enjoyed skinny dipping with his aunty and going to the sauna with him and his friends. 

I loved Christmastime in Berlin, with the markets and rituals and proper snow. I still couldn’t believe how blasé they were about having lived for so long in the shadow of the Berlin wall, or the casual way they told me about people escaping to the West by swimming under the barbed wire in the lake near their house. I liked the way his father drove around with such pride in a carefully polished Mercedes. It hurt me to lose that part of my life when I had no idea what might come instead.

Family was important to me, and it was important to Robert, too. I never had to explain this to him. Thinking about it, family was very important to James as well. I was sure his brother wouldn’t mind me crashing at his place overnight. And I could be sure that Kate would forgive when she found out about this. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ asked James.

‘Just wondering how much further to Matthew’s house?’

‘We’re almost there. 

Matthew lived in an old cottage hidden behind a thick hedge. It was a house you’d only buy if you really loved it and were willing to put in tons of work. It didn’t surprise me when James said Matthew was having extensive renovations done. 

There was hardly any furniture, quite a lot of mess, and a big inflatable mattress in the middle of the living room. James offered me a hot shower. Of course I wanted a shower but was concerned about waking Matthew. James assured me that his brother could sleep through a nuclear war. In the half-tiled bathroom we stood looking at each other. It was one thing to have torn off each other’s clothes in the dark, and quite another to be in a well-lit room about to take a shower together.

‘James, I have to tell you something… so…. well… I didn’t plan this and…..’

‘You’ve got your period?’

‘I haven’t shaved my legs.’

‘Really? That’s a relief, because I’m wearing my worst pair of pants. So we’re even.’

He peeled off his jeans to reveal red boxer shorts with white stars all over them. I laughed. 

He struck a pose and said, ‘What, have you never seen an Adonis before? All Greek gods looked like this. A bit pale and pasty, and incredibly unfit.’

I stripped off and said, ‘And did you know all Greek goddesses were pear-shaped and dumpy?’

‘Really? And here I was thinking you were a goddess, but if that’s the criteria then you’re obviously not. Well, I’m glad I got the chance to see you naked, because I need to take my contacts out.’ He sighed with relief as he slid the tiny discs out of his eyes. 

The shower was exactly the right pressure and wonderfully hot. We soaped each other’s bodies and shampooed each other’s hair. When we were finished we rubbed one another’s skin dry with big soft towels. He gave me a t-shirt and boxer shorts to sleep in. After that we snuggled together on the inflatable mattress, which was surprisingly comfortable.

We were cuddling, then we were kissing, and then it all happened so easily.

I’d waited ten years for this. 

 

A few hours later I swam back into consciousness. The warm body next to me nuzzled my neck. I felt completely peaceful. And then I remembered where I was, who the warmth came from, and who it should have come from. 

I found the t-shirt and shorts I’d discarded yesterday, slipped them on, and went into the bathroom with my phone. It was just after seven. I knew my parents would already be awake, as they always got up at bonkers o’clock every morning. I phoned, hoping nobody would answer and I could leave a message on the answering machine. On the third ring my father answered. 

I told him I’d gone out for a walk and forgotten to leave a note. He didn’t sound like he believed me. ‘I see… very well… And should we expect to see you for breakfast? No? Well, enjoy your walk!’

I felt like a teenager, standing in the half-renovated bathroom in borrowed clothes, lying to my father. That wasn’t the sort of teenager I had been, and wasn’t the sort of adult I wanted to be. I noticed another message from Robert. He had written ‘Hope you have a nice day’ with a smiley face. He didn’t get it. He had no idea. The frustration welled up in me, and I wanted to hit something. Actually, I wanted to hit someone, and that someone was Robert.

Despite this, the guilt at having spent the night with James hit me like a slap in the face. Even if I was frustrated with Robert, I had cheated on him. What made it worse was that it wasn’t just about sex. If it had just been a physical experience, I might have thought it was forgivable. But this meant so much more. Still, when was sex ever just physical?

I needed to decide what to do. Should I put on my still damp clothes from the night before and slink out the door? Wait until James woke up and tell him it was all a mistake? Or get back into bed with him, feel his body next to mine, and enjoy the closeness?

I went back to the air mattress. Without waking up, James embraced me and sighed into my ear. Soon I fell back asleep.

I woke up again suddenly when Matthew clattered downstairs, wearing just a pair of underpants. He saw me and dashed back up, saying, ‘Shit! Sorry! Sorry!’ James was startled awake and groped around for his glasses. 

Matthew called down, ‘Is everybody decent?’

‘Yep!’ shouted back James.

Matthew reappeared, wearing a dressing gown. ‘Would anyone like a cup of tea?’

‘I’d love one,’ said James. He poked me. ‘Fancy a cuppa? I’m sure you’ll have one.’ 

Matthew left to make the tea, and James began to kiss me. I gave in to his kisses and returned them. It had been a very long time since someone had kissed me so much. Even during sex, Robert rarely kissed me any more. I had heard that in long term relationships sex dries up, but I hadn’t known that kissing would disappear too. 

Matthew brought the mugs in, placed them next to the mattress, then shielded his eyes. ‘Scuse me! Pretend I’m not here! Carry on with what you’re doing!’  He went into the bathroom. We sat up and sipped our tea. The water in the shower started running. 

‘Any regrets?’ asked James.

‘About life in general or this?’

‘Ha ha, hilarious. This.’

‘You know I don’t. Why, do you?’

‘Absolutely none.’

Matthew, it seemed, took the minimal amount of time in the shower, but quite a long time shaving. He came out of the bathroom, went upstairs, and came back down a few moments later wearing sports clothes and carrying a bag with a tennis racquet sticking out of it. ‘I’m off. See you later, maybe? If not, take care and enjoy the day. Great to see you again!’ He reached down to hug me, gave his brother a knowing look, and left. 

James and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. He tickled me so I’d laugh more. I tried to fight him, but he started kissing my neck, then my nipples, then my belly.

This time it was much more passionate. We fought for dominance. I had a horrible feeling inside, welling up, something dark and not connected to the moment, something that hurt and was at odds with the pleasure in my body. The pleasure increased, the dark feeling grew, and as I orgasmed, I started to cry. And not a little bit. I really howled, with sobs that hurt me as they escaped. I tried to control myself but I couldn’t. I pushed James away and let the emotions wash over me. I couldn’t catalogue my feelings, let alone comprehend them. Images flashed through my mind. All of them concerned Joseph.

Times I hadn’t taken his calls, because I knew he was manic and would be on the phone for hours. Seeing him in hospital and not knowing what to say to him. The conversation I’d had with his sister a few days before, when she told how she’d found him, the horror of seeing her little brother covered in vomit and sweat, surrounded by empty packages of medication and liquor bottles. I wanted so much for things to be different, and despaired because now they could never be anything other than what they were. My beautiful friend was dead and I missed him terribly.

It took about an hour for my tears to pass. I was completely exhausted. James stroked my hair and put his arms around me, holding me tight. I told him over and over again that I was sorry. I didn’t know what had come over me, I told him. 

‘You know what I think? I think it would be much more strange if you weren’t upset.’ 

‘I’m just shocked at myself. You’ve lost a friend too but you seem to be handling it fine.’

‘I kicked a hole in the wall the other day.’

‘Really? Why?’

‘I had an argument with Sarah and it got out of hand.’

‘Is that why she wasn’t at the funeral?’

‘No. Actually it started because she said she didn’t know Joseph very well so why should she come.’

‘That was a bit heartless.’ 

‘I thought so. But I guess you had the same conversation with The German.’

‘Don’t call him that.’

‘Sorry. Why didn’t The Big P come to the funeral?’

‘Could you not call him that either?’ Robert’s surname had been a joke among my friends since he and I had started seeing each other. 

‘You don’t want me to call him The Big P? How about The Enormous P?’ I hit him. Pfadfinder really was a ludicrous surname, and I didn’t need another reason to hate Robert right now. At least Sarah had given James a reason for not being there. It was as if it hadn’t even occurred to Robert to come. There seemed to be no connection between us any longer. 

‘I’m sorry,’ said James. I said nothing. ‘Don’t look so sad. I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t have anything against him. Really! It’s not like you and Sarah.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s obvious you’ve never really liked her.’

‘I hardly know her.’ 

‘But what you do know you don’t like.’ I wished he wasn’t right. She was one of those people that no one really liked. ‘It’s not easy to justify being in a relationship when none of your friends like your girlfriend.’

‘Do you like Robert?’

‘He’s OK. Just very… German.’ 

‘I take it things aren’t going well with Sarah.’

‘That’s an understatement. I’ve had one foot out the door for a while now.’

‘What are you going to do about it?’

‘End things. I’m going to change lots of stuff when I get back to the Burgh. Sarah and I are finished, that’s obvious. I hate my job. I don’t want to keep living in that flat. Not sure if I really want to keep living in the UK, if I’m honest. Although I do love Edinburgh.’

‘You don’t really hate your life so much, do you?’

‘I do. I hadn’t realised until Joseph died. You know that “life’s too short” feeling?’

‘Oh, yes. I really do.’ I had no desire to go back to my job ever again. I hated the flat, I hated Robert, and I’d started to hate London. I’d thought I’d love it there, but visiting the capital and actually living there were as different as day and night. Occasionally I’d look up, see some famous building or person or historical site and feel excited, but most days I just felt stressed and annoyed. If I left Robert, I’d have to leave London. There was no way I could afford a decent place to live on my salary. 

Outside, it had started to rain. James announced he was hungry and fancied a bacon sandwich.  As soon as he said that I realised I was surprisingly hungry. We went into Matthew’s tiny kitchen and prepared the sandwiches. 

It was so easy to be with him. I recalled the last time Robert and I had guests for dinner. I asked him to peel the carrots. Specifically, I’d handed him three carrots and a vegetable peeler, and, because English isn’t his first language, as I issued my instructions, I mimed peeling the carrots. He took the carrots from me, and chopped them without peeling them. I said, I asked you to peel them. He said, you can use them like that. I said, I wanted them peeled! He said, they’re OK like that. I told him to get out of the kitchen. It hadn’t seemed like such a big thing to ask, but he had to do things the way he wanted, not the way I wanted, even something that small. And then he’d mocked me about it when our guests arrived. 

I needed to get out of that relationship. 

The companionable silence with James was comforting. The ordinariness of us preparing food together was marvellous. We sat at the small kitchen table wedged under the window, that looked onto a garden that was a work in progress. There were a few roses still blooming.

After a few mouthfuls had been chewed and swallowed, James asked, ‘When will I see you again?’ I choked on my food. ‘That wasn’t quite the reaction I was hoping for.’ 

I swigged some tea and forced down the food.

‘Do you not want to see me again?’ he asked. ‘Do you want to think of last night as a one night stand and nothing more?’

‘It meant so much more to me than that. You know that. But I’m in London and you’re in Edinburgh. It’s not very practical.’

‘Practical? So unromantic!’

‘Sorry to disappoint you, but I am practical. And pragmatic. I’m a boring sort of person.’

‘You spontaneously ravished me in a rose garden last night. You don’t seem boring to me.’

‘I have my moments, but in general I like rules and I like doing the right thing. I don’t know if pursuing this would be the right thing.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because...’ I didn’t understand it myself, so how could I explain what I felt to him? ‘Last night and this morning … it’s all so unreal.’

‘I can assure you what I’m feeling is pretty bloody real. I’ve always had pretty bloody strong feelings about you.’

‘Then why didn’t you ever tell me?’

‘I wanted to. I’ve always wanted to. Never had the guts. And you always had a boyfriend around.’

‘Yes, and I’ve still got a boyfriend. And you still have a girlfriend. Even if you break up with Sarah and I break up with Robert we still cheated!’ I started to cry again. It felt like my world was crumbling. ‘I’m not this sort of person.’ James said nothing. I sobbed a bit more. ‘The thing is, I don’t want to make any big decisions right now. I feel so fragile. Oh, I wish I could stop crying!’

‘Let me hold you.’ I melted into his arms. He stroked my hair. It was awkward there in the little kitchen, and he suggested we move to the other room. There was nowhere to sit except the air mattress. I smiled despite myself that the guy who had embarrassed himself in the rose garden last night had turned into a Lothario on this air mattress. We had snotty, soggy, tender, necessary sex. Afterwards, we held each other tightly.

I didn’t want to go, but I knew I should. I forced myself to get up from the air mattress and went into the bathroom. My clothes were still damp. ‘James, do you think I could borrow something to wear home?’

‘I guess.’ He found me some tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeved shirt which were both ridiculously big on me. 

‘Are you coming back for Christmas?’ I asked. 

‘I guess. I usually do. Why?’

‘I’m coming back at Christmas. I just wanted to be sure I’ll see you again.’

‘We could see each other before that, you know.’

‘Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not sure about anything at the moment. Except that I have to get back to mum and dad’s.’

James picked up his car keys. ‘I’ll drive you.’

I said, ‘To be honest, I fancy a walk. And I think I need to be on my own for a little while.’

James said, ‘It’s probably for the best. Matthew’s gonna be back soon. I’d better get on with the washing up. He’ll go mental if he sees that frying pan.’ We hugged, had a final kiss, and then I walked in the direction of my childhood home. 

I tried to phone my parents to let them know I was on my way, but the battery had died. I took the long way round despite my cold, wet feet. I couldn’t work out why I was having trouble making the decision to leave Robert. I wondered at first if it was the security of having a boyfriend. There was no guarantee that if I left Robert things would work out with James. 

An appealing vision of a single life passed before my eyes. I walked through the fields, and climbed the hill that, on a clear day, gave onto a view of the sea. Perhaps it was time to be on my own for a while. 

I thought about Robert’s family and how much I’d miss them. I wondered if I’d ever go back to Germany. I doubted I would, and the thought hurt me. Places meant as much to me as people. Breaking up with Robert didn’t mean I could never visit Berlin again, but I couldn’t imagine being there without him and his family.  

I continued on to Mum and Dad’s place. They were in front of the house, tending the little herb garden Mum had planted a few years ago. 

‘Well hello,’ said my mother. ‘Nice outfit you’ve got on. Did you have a nice walk?’

‘Very nice, thank you.’

‘Did you meet anyone?’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘Your friend James was just here. He brought back our thermos cups. Strange, his car sounded exactly like the one that stopped in front of the house late last night.’

My dad joined in. ‘Yes, he seemed reluctant to leave. Kept hanging around, as if he hoped you’d turn up or something.’

Inside the house, the landline phone rang. ‘Saved by the bell,’ said my father, getting up to answer it.

‘It’ll probably be Robert. He’s phoned here three times today.’ My heart started beating so fast it hurt. Could the news that I’d slept with James have reached Robert so quickly? ‘He says you didn’t answer his messages, and he tried to phone but you’ve turned your phone off.’

‘The battery died.’

Dad came outside and said to me, ‘It’s for you.’

I cursed under my breath, went inside, and answered the phone, bracing myself for a confrontation with Robert.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi, it’s James.’

‘Hi!’

‘I just tried your mobile.’

‘Battery’s dead.’

‘You probably heard that I came round and brought the thermos things back.’

‘I did.’

‘I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you… Look, I know what I’m going to do when I get back to Edinburgh, but I don’t want to put any pressure on you.’

‘OK.’

‘There’s just one thing, though. You know how I feel about you. I’m jealous as hell of Robert. I think he’s the luckiest guy in the world to be able to walk down the street with you on his arm. But… whatever you do, whatever happens, I don’t want to lose you out of my life. Maybe this will seem like a big old embarrassing mistake some day, but please don’t be a stranger.’

I started to cry again. ‘I have to go.’

‘I know. See you at Christmas?’

‘See you at Christmas.’

‘And if you want to see me before, let me know. I’ll always want to see you.’

We said our goodbyes and I put the phone down. My head was spinning. Too much was happening. All I knew for sure was that I needed some sleep. 

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